The Death of Dreams

There are times to celebrate life and all its joys and blessings and a time to mourn the trials and heartaches that life throws at us. Today is a day to mourn the death of two of our most precious dreams. The death of being a doctor and of being parents to a baby girl.

Four weeks ago, Brydon was asked to interview at PCOM, a DO school here in Philly. We were so excited at the prospect of Brydon truly being able to become a doctor. He had excellent recommendations and even an inside pull, and it felt like it was truly an answer to our prayers. Every blessing and promise to be a physician was truly going to happen. The interview was tough but we felt like he had given it his all. He let them know that he could do this program and that he truly was qualified to be a physician someday. However, one week later as he returned home alone from visiting family, a rejection letter waited for him. The final NO. Now after two years of attempts to get into medical school, the dream has died. Shortly after we were married we began the process of working to get accepted to medical school. We have spent 6 1/2 years dreaming, planning, and working toward that goal. And now we have decided it is over. Brydon would have been an amazing doctor. His patients would have loved him and he would have touched so many lives for good. I always thought of how handsome he would look in the white coat and how I would love to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly stories of a physician's adventures. I couldn't wait to see him come home from doing something he truly loved. And so today we mourn the loss of that dream. There will be no handsome, man in a white coat saving lives.



Recently Brydon and I were approached by a family to adopt their baby. This not an option we had planned for right now in our lives. We knew the timing wasn't the best and the funds would be really hard to find, but we felt that it could be the answer to our prayers. Since we had tried all other options to have another baby, we thought this might be what we needed to do. We met with the birth parents and decided that they had a true sincere desire to give this baby girl a better life. The girl was due to arrive August 17th and we were working to move forward to be prepared for the expected arrival. Today as we were driving home from meeting with the adoption agency, we received a call that told us the baby had died. The mother had become ill and went into early labor. Doctors couldn't stop the contractions and a perfect, small 22 week old baby girl was born. She took a breath and then passed away. Her body was just not ready for this world yet. My heart aches for the poor birth mother that has been through so much in her short life. I can't imagine going through such an experience. And we mourn the passing of a baby girl that we had dreamed could have been ours. There will be no little girl in our home.



I read this quote today that sums up a lot of how these experiences have felt. I changed it a bit.

"Death. Death of a lot of things. The end of the Manning family as we had pictured 7 years ago. Death before life...before we even know our child, because she never existed. The hardest part of this kind of death is the fact that it is the death of a dream. There are no solid memories, no pictures, no things to remember. You can't remember your child's blonde hair or brown eyes, or her favorite toys or the way she laughed, or the way it felt to be pregnant with her. She never existed. There is no funeral, no burial, no grave to lay flowers on. The couple often grieves alone."

30 Here I Come

Well it is official. I am now 30 years old. Last night we officially celebrated my birthday since we were all sick on my actual birthday. It was a fun Valentine's/Birthday bash. We had our great friends the Christensen's over and Caleb got to spend the day with his Valentine Reese. He even got her a box of chocolates and a card. He informed her that he likes her and that he will be the dad and she will be the mom. They have got quite the life planned out for themselves. We had a really fun dinner with way too much yummy food and then Brydon made one of my favorite traditional birthday cakes. My family called it a strawberry short cake but Brydon says that there is nothing "short" about this cake. It is a layer cake filled with strawberry jello, frozen strawberries, Cool Whip, and marshmallows. It is quite the cake and I believe it is the cake I had on my 1st birthday. This is a Grandma H. speciality. We had a really fun night.


So now that I am "old" and 30, I have done a bit of reflecting on my life. I don't feel old at all. At least not as old as I thought I would at 30, but it did make me think about my life so far. So I decided to list all of my top accomplishments so far in life and some of the things I hope to do in the near future.

Best Accomplishments
1. Getting married in the temple to my soul mate
2. Having a beautiful and amazing son
3. Being nominated Lincoln Elementary's Hall of Fame Teacher of the year
4. Graduating from BYU with scholarships and making every toilet shrubbed, garbage dumped, carpet cleaned, and tear shed absolutely worth it
5. Taking Vocal lessons at BYU and getting to sing in a choir under the direction of Sis. Hall (only for one short summer semester but...uhhh.....amazing!)
6. Visiting the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympic park with my grandpa
7. Spending 2 months in the Middle East....Israel, Egypt, & Jordan
8. Graduating in the top 10 of my High School class
9. Qualifying for the State Cross Country Meet on a fractured leg
10. Starring in the High School play as a Freshman
11. Winning the State Civic Oration Contest and getting to compete in the National Civic Oration Contest

Things I Want to Accomplish
1. Have more kids (still not ready to let go even though it seems impossible)
2. Learn how to play the guitar and own a guitar
3. Take vocal lessons again
4. Play a large role in a major community Musical production
5. Work for the Department of Education
6. Go to New York and Washington DC
7. Travel the world
8. Serve a Mission
9. Buy a yacht and sail the world
10. Learn how to scuba dive
11. Finish a marathon
12. Get my Masters degree

Ahhh....so excited for life!!!

Finally a Sunbeam!

The long, long awaited day to enter Sunbeams finally arrived!!! Caleb has been so excited to go to the big Primary but the big Primary change was postponed from the beginning of January until today. Although he was pretty excited to be big, he did finally ask the all important question, "Are there toys in Sunbeams?". He was disappointed to hear that there would not be any toys but still thought it would be fun to go. He can't wait to give us first talk in Sharing Time. (I'm wondering how you video tape something like that for the grandparents? hmmmmm...) The day was a bit rough. After being couped up in the house due to snow and illness, he was not his best self but did well making the transition. Of course he wanted to go all by himself and was sad when mom insisted she walk him to the primary room. He is a Mr. Independent who just can't wait to do everything ALL BY HIMSELF! I am so proud of our "big boy" Sunbeam!

Snow and More Snow

Well we have survived a lot of snow the past few days and it has most definitely made life adventurous. I can't believe how much snow we have gotten and how difficult it has made life. This city is just not meant to have a heavy snow fall. There is literally no where to put the snow. We had a lot of fun unburying our car the other day with our mop bucket (we don't own a snow shovel). It was a lot of work and required lots of digging with our hands but our car is now free. I also had to include some pictures of the Philadelphia streets on our way to church. It was an awful drive. Everyone parallel parks here and even if there is snow in the way, they still park on the street. Our favorite Philly snow thing is the saving of your spot with some random piece of furniture. I guess after you spend so much digging yourself out you don't want to share your spot on the street. It looks really strange though.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

The Blessings of Service

So over the past month, Brydon and I have been struggling with being ultra-positive about our life. It seems like everytime we are about to overcome one obstacle, we get thrown a bigger and harder obstacle. Life just hasn't felt very easy or all that fun. And of course as our trials seemed to mount, we were asked to serve more in the church. Brydon was gone often to help with moves or give blessings or rearrange Hometeaching and I was asked to take on one more calling. My literacy class has been a very time consuming calling on its own and quite frankly we were overwhelmed...and didn't handle it all well. We became GRIPING PROS! But one Saturday morning, we had a nice reminder of the blessings of service.

That morning Caleb woke up and began getting dressed right way. He put on his white button shirt, black slacks, dress shoes, and a tie (all by himself). He informed us that he needed to go to church and had to give someone a blessing. He was adamant that we needed to go and that he wanted to give a blessing just like daddy. He told us he had to put on his church clothes because that is what you wear to give blessings. We felt very blessed that Caleb had seen his daddy serve so much that he wanted to serve too, and he even knew that when daddy served he worn the "uniform of the priesthood" or shirt and tie:) It made me realize that although it is not always easy to serve it is well worth it. Even if it is only to show our children where our priorities lie.

Later that week as I was teaching the Literacy class I watched Caleb teach my students all the letters of the alphabets and the sounds they make. Then he would help them find sight words in a poster I was using. I was amazed by his love of learning and how much he has learned between preschool and the Literacy class we host in our home.

I am so grateful for the opportunities the Lord gives us to serve that allow us to stretch and grow. Now we are working on serving more fully and griping a whole lot less.

Christmas Time

Oh boy the last few months have be awfully crazy. I have wanted to update the blog but too many other things have been at the top of my list. But since the car won't start again and I can't run the errands I need to, I have a few minutes to get a little blogging done. So we have to go back in time.

Caleb's First Plane Ride (that he can remember)

On the Bus (at least Caleb loved it!)


Christmas was great! After surviving the big snowstorm we got to travel to Rapid City to visit the Manning family. It was a crazy trip out there that entailed 3 airplanes and a 3 hour bus ride. The whole trip took us 24 hours. We felt really bad for poor Cooper (the dog) who was not allowed outside for over 20 hours. But we made it. Weather was a bit brutal throughout the whole trip.

We got really spoiled for Christmas this year. I wish I had all the pictures to share but we let the grandparents run the cameras and they haven't shared the pictures yet. But we got to spend Christmas day with both of Brydon's sisters and their spouses and kiddos, Brydon's parents, his grandma on his mom's side, and his grandpa and grandma Sue from his dad's side. It was a full house but we were all comfy at the "Manning Resort". Caleb loved it. Santa was able to find us at Grandma's house and we had a great time. Kids are great to add to the Christmas spirit!

Then my parents were able to come visit us for a day with my brother. Jared could only stay briefly but we got to spend the whole day at a fun hotel with a waterpark. It was a blast! Caleb loves the water and Brydon and I even got some time to run off together to go down the huge tube slides. It was a fun relaxing day with a lot more spoilage! (I even got a sewing machine...yeah!!!)

Caleb was sad to go home and leave all the excitement. He especially loved being with his cousin Airlie and they were really funny together. Although the weather rearranged plans, it was overall a great time. The best part is being with family, Right:)

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

Well with our wonderful East Coast snow storm we received more snow in 1 day than we did all winter long last year. We got more snow in Philadelphia in a December than they have received in 100 years. Schools are still closed and some neighborhoods still haven't seen a snow plow and it has now been 2 days since the storm. However, the snow made Caleb's day!! Now Santa can officially come and life is great! So we enjoyed the day of snow.