Infertility's Personal Lessons Learned

This week happens to be Infertility Awareness week.  I always find this to be a great week to read so many wonderful and inspiring articles about infertility and the lessons people have to share about their experience.  I have made a few posts about our infertility journey but it is never easy to make these posts.  I guess because they make me feel the most vulnerable and hit at one of my most difficult challenges.  But as I was looking at some drafts I had not yet published, I stumbled upon this post I had written over a year ago but not yet shared.  And so in honor of Infertility Awareness week, I would like to share these lessons I reflected on some time ago and a few lessons I just added.

Infertility has been a hard emotional journey, but I have learned so much about myself and particularly the gospel of Jesus Christ.

• I have learned that there is always a story worse than mine. I am grateful for the trials I have been given and would not take other's trials. I do not repeatedly have miscarriages or lose a baby after a few months of life.  I was given the opportunity to carry and give birth to our son. I am healthy in every way and am so grateful for that.  I have a loving husband and a good home.  My life is filled with amazing friends and wonderful opportunities.  My blessings are numerous and I am grateful for them.

• Life is full of choices. We always have a choice and I can choose to be a bitter woman who cringes when other women get pregnant or when I see a baby, or I can choose to be happy with the life I was given. I have a beautiful, amazing son; a kind, loving husband who has a good job; we have loving families who care about us; and I have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ and the love He has for me. I know who I am and my purpose on this Earth. And I have a wonderful family to share this wonderful life with and experience all the wonderful things around us. We have made the choice to be happy and not bitter. And that choice has made all the difference.   

• I have learned more about what it truly means to be a Daughter of God. As a Latter-Day Saint, many woman make it their entire life's goal to be a Mother and believe that is how we fulfill our purpose on this Earth. Motherhood is an important and sacred role and one I yearned for my entire life, but I have learned that it is not the purpose of life. It is one facet of it. As a Daughter of God, I am already endowed with all the things I need to reach my full potential. I will never forget when an amazing mentor once asked me at a very difficult point in our infertility journey, "What are you going to do as a Daughter of God now? How are you going to fulfill God's purpose now?".  This question made me reflect on all the talents and opportunities I had been given, and how I had been blessed with ample time and talents to serve others in a way that a mother with a large family was not able to do. I was not blessed with many children and the opportunity to change their lives for good, but I was blessed to be a teacher of many amazing students, and was able to share my time liberally with poor Africans in Philadelphia. I have been able to be serve as Primary President and come to love the children in this area. Through those experiences and many others, I am growing and stretching myself and understanding more about my divine potential. Motherhood is one avenue to achieve this and I would love to experience it with more children, but I am learning that there are many ways to be a Daughter of God.

• I am learning to trust that my Heavenly Father truly loves me and looks out for me. After the last IVF treatment, we were crushed. We had prayed about IVF and really felt like this was a good option for us. Through small miracles we were able to finance it, and when it failed I felt abandoned. What had we done wrong? Where was God? We had prayed and done everything right? Over time I could see His hand in all things. We were financially protected, we had a strong close family, I was still healthy, we had wonderful friends that supported us and helped us, and our mothers were there in times of need. Our Heavenly Father had been there and loved us. Sometimes I think we feel like if we are righteous and pray about something it means that everything will work out like we think. But that is not true. The Lord lets us experience life with all its bumps and bruises and expects us to continue to be righteous no matter what. Our family motto at the time became: 

To Live Our Temple Covenants No Matter What! 

No matter if life goes completely wrong, like the prophet Job, we are expected to keep the big picture in mind.

And now for my 2 most recent lessons.

• Recently in a talk by Elder Bednar, he poised a question Brydon and I had discussing for some time. "Do you have the faith not to be healed?"  This is the question I have been asking myself for some time now.  Do I have the faith to accept God's will even if it means that we are never blessed with another child by any means?  Do I have the faith, not to pray for another child but to pray for us to accept God's plan for our family and the timing of that plan?  This has been something that over the past few months we have been working on and I found Elder Bednar's talk to validate this lesson for us.  I do not know what is in store for our family and if the desires of our hearts will be answered in this life, but I do know that Heavenly Father does love us and has a plan for us.  And so everyday that is type of faith I try to have.

• This lesson has been one of the hardest for me to accept and one I didn't want to face.  I didn't want to face the fact that some hurts never completely go away, but that's ok.  I went through a time that I truly felt that I had beat this infertility thing.  I didn't feel extremely hurt, I didn't think about it all the time, it didn't feel earth shattering anymore.  I had conquered infertility!  And then a few months ago I was hit hard.  Infertility hurt again, I started to struggle with being bitter and angry, I didn't want to come home to an empty house while my son was at school, and I just felt overwhelmingly sad.  Life wasn't fair and why hadn't our prayers been answered.  To top it off, I was so mad at myself.  I couldn't feel this way, I had this thing beat, it wasn't supposed to hurt me anymore, and so I did everything I could to deny those feelings of hurt and not share then with anyone.  I was embarrassed.  But then one day I couldn't hold them in anymore, and I cried and cried (shocking my poor hubby).  I realized that this hurt would never completely go away (and so I cried some more about that).  Infertility had changed our life plan, our future, and there would always be moments in life that it would hurt more than others.  There will only be one baptism, one high school graduation, one mission farewell, one wedding, one daughter-in-law, and one chance at grandchildren.  And even if we are blessed with another child there will always be a gap in our family.  There will be moments that are harder than others, I was still human after all.  It will hurt, but that is ok.  There is a reason we are asked to "endure to the end".  It isn't about conquering our trials, but enduring them well.  And I had to give myself permission to struggle with that sometimes.  Fortunately it is in those tough times that we have the chance to move closer to our Savior, lean on His strength, and be reminded of all that Christ has done for me. 

Feel free to support Infertility Awareness and check out one of my favorite Infertility/Adoption Blogs.  She has some amazing posts this week at The R House. 

You can check out last year's infertility posts.  

The Paper Pregnancy  

Infertility and Adoption Awareness

Pinterest Fun! Some family Favorites!

So I won't lie, I love Pinterest!  I held off joining for a while but finally a good friend invited me and I had to check it out.  Then after a class last summer, I really got addicted!  It is really an amazing tool and sure beats bookmarking all those great websites.

But like anything, some of the ideas I found on Pinterest are really great and some are complete failures.     Caleb has really gotten into Pinterest with me and we decided to try out some of the fun activities we found.  I thought I would share a few of our favorites!

Bubble Snakes

Super easy and really fun!

http://www.housingaforest.com/rainbow-bubble-snakes/

Mini Volcanoes

I can't find the specific website I found this on but it is just a dish full of baking soda and then colored vinegar.  I didn't have an eye dropper so we used straws.  A fun work of art!

Scientific 4th of July Drinks

These are super festive and quite tasty too.  And Brydon and our friend Gary enjoyed explaining the science behind how it works.

http://www.mooreminutes.com/2011/07/american-backporch-bbq.html

Shaving Cream Bathtub Paint

So this is just shaving cream with food coloring.  However, I did become a bit nervous that it might dye my very white bath tub but fortunately it didn't.  But you may want to test it before hand.  Obviously he had fun though.

http://www.havingfunathome.com/2008/11/shaving-cream-bathtub-paint.html

Hotel

Another website that I couldn't find, had a list of fun ideas to do at home.  Caleb picked a few he wanted to try sometime.  This one was pretend your home is a hotel.  We had to clean up everything and make it really nice (boy he was excited to clean up!).  Then he made a Hotel sign and named it Cooper Hotel.  Then he put special notes and mints on all the bed pillows.  Inspired idea and a great way to clean up the house!

Glow in the Dark Bath

This was an idea that looked better on Pinterest than it really was.  The picture made it look like the water actually glowed in the dark.  However that wasn't really what they did.  So after a little research I learned that it was just glow sticks in the bathtub.  So I found these fun glow sticks, turned off the lights, and closed the door.  He had a blast!

Marble Track

This was an idea that Caleb really wanted to try but however, led to a bum link.  So we decided to invent our own version.  We saved tons of toilet paper rolls and gave it a try.  At first I used just a strip magnet but that wasn't strong enough so then I had to use my heavy duty magnets.  The thing never did work very well.  We used a bouncy ball and it was just to heavy and we even tried to cut out flaps in them to help them work better.  Not a huge success.  

Cloud Dough

This stuff is pretty fascinating!  It is like homemade moon sand.  It is made from flour and baby oil, so it is soft and smells good.  It feels great and does hold its shape well.

http://www.jugglingwithkids.com/2011/11/cloud-dough.html 

Microwave Popcorn

Well this isn't an activity but this is by far my most favorite Pinterest find!

I love popcorn!  And so my son does too.  But I haven't wanted to spend the money to invest in an air popper, and we always just bought microwave popcorn.  Well my friend shared this Pin with me and it is so awesome.  You pop your own popcorn in the microwave.  Just use a paper bag, 1/4 cup of unpopped popcorn, and microwave until there is time between the pops.  

Now I can make carmel corn and season my popcorn however I want!  It is great!

Caleb and I love the ideas we find so much that we put our ideas on popsicle sticks and put them in a can.  We made a can for inside and outside ideas.  Then when we are bored, he picks a stick and we do that fun activity.  We have found some new ideas we will add to our cans this summer and try to share a few more of our favorite ideas.  I most definitely need to go shopping for some fun supplies like borax to do a few more unique ideas!

A Little Sabbath Day Inspiration

As I was looking at some old video clips I found this gem.  I had completely forgot I hadn't posted this video before.  

Last Fall, Caleb came home from church and was excited to plan out our Family Night activity the next day.  He was anxious to show us what he learned in Primary that day.  Caleb adored is Primary teacher and she sure made a huge impact on him.  

When he came home from school the next day, he grabbed a few stuffed animals and told me his plan.  He did a quick run through of his lesson and then was set up for Family Night.  

The Good Samaritan 

He did such a great job retelling the story and was so happy to share what he had learned.  

We are so grateful for the impact Sis. Thompson had on his life and how much she helped him love Primary and learn about Christ.  We have been lucky to have so many wonderful people and teachers in our sons life. 

It most definitely "takes a village". 

Another Attempt at a Garden in Texas

So Brydon really enjoys gardening!  Every where we go he likes to try to garden and grow things.  I do not have a green thumb at all but enjoy the fruits of gardening so I support the efforts as best I can.  So when we moved to Texas and had a yard for the first time we were excited to garden, but living on base makes it tough to want to tear up your yard.  So for 2 years we have tried bucket gardening and planter gardening.  It has been a complete failure!  

Like in only 3 small pear tomatoes in 2 years kind of failure!  

So this year I told the hubby, No!  Well, then I had a good friend tell me about this book they had and remind me that gardening is an important and healthy skill.  We borrowed the book and Brydon became obsessed. 

This is a great book and had some wonderful tips.  Brydon took notes and mapped out our garden plans.  We were going to go all out.  Follow the book to the T.  This year was going to be a success!

Caleb helped build the square foot box and we were anxious to get started.

We had measured and found the perfect spot in the back yard and were ready to go!

The first tip to the Square Foot Garden is to make your own soil.

5 Different Compost Mixtures, Peat Moss, & Vermiculite

A Beautiful Homemade Soil

Our Awesome Helper

Caleb made this movie explaining all about our garden.  It is terribly shaky since he is just learning and somehow when I converted it from Mac format to a format You Tube would except the quality got bad.  Hoping I can figure that out but it is a funny Caleb video.

Proof that I helped too!

And there it is!  Our lovely square foot garden!  In the planters we are trying out some herbs this year.  They were on sale and so we decided to give it a try.

Hopefully we will get more than a couple little tomatoes and this year will be a success!

(Crossing our fingers)

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on Its Way

You have to love Easter time and the coming of Spring.  It means flowers are starting to bloom, General Conference (an amazing LDS bi-yearly world meeting) is on it's way, fun Easter traditions, and most importantly a time to reflect on the most important event in history.......

the Resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ.  

Truly a time of New Beginnings!

The Air Force offers some fun family opportunities.  For Easter they hold a yearly "Eat Breakfast with the Easter Bunny" and Easter Egg hunt.  It is a great event!   

Time with the Easter Bunny!

So handsome and all ready to grab a few eggs!  

(I have to admit though, what happened to the days of actually hunting for Easter eggs?  The mad dash to just grab eggs just isn't quite the same and can be a bit crazy.)

I was sure proud of this sweet guy.  This year there was a contest to find special eggs and win big Easter baskets.  While waiting for the event to start, Caleb and spotted a special egg.  When they released the kids, there was a mad dash for that egg and a little girl even got taken out.  Caleb went for it but did not fight or hurt anyone over it.  He backed away from the situation.  I was really proud of him for not fighting his way to the egg.  

Now we have lots of candy we don't need but it was fun.

Some silly homemade bunny biscuits I made one night to have with soup.

Easter morning was filled with the fun Easter egg hunt and checking out the Easter baskets.  This year the Easter bunny didn't give as much candy but had some fun little toys to find.  

(Boys love cars of all kinds.)

I love our Easter decorations!  

Guess who's basket?

Yep, mine!  The Easter bunny knew exactly what I was craving this year and I held off buying any before Easter.  I was in heaven!  These things are so much better than the regular peanut butter cups!

This year Caleb found a fun Safari Vest and Butterfly Net from the Easter bunny.  He was so excited!  It was fun to watch him load it all up to go do investigations outside.

And it wouldn't be a holiday in our house without pancakes!  I am gaining quite a collection of pancake recipes for my boy who LOVES PANCAKES!

So many of you may have seen these cute bunny rolls on Pinterest or Facebook.  I saw them quite often and was anxious to make fun bunny rolls.  However, when you actually look at the website, these are not rolls but pastries.  Obviously very different!  But I had the idea in my mind and so decided to just try it and see if I could make it work.  You can check out the original recipe here.

I would say this was a complete failure!  Not meant for yeast doughs!

Our Wilderness Explorer!

He found his flashlight, compass, notebook, survival bracelet, and binoculars, and was set to explore the world.  He has some great observations in his notebook and loved being outside.  

So glad the Easter Bunny wanted him to get outside!

What a wonderful time of year!